I know I haven't posted in a while, and get ready for a stream. So much is flowing through me right now, I'm not sure where I'll go with this post. November 5. 10 days since Grace, my beloved dog was attacked. We think it was a bear. We're so very grateful she got away, ran home to safety. Knowing she was, in her mind, defending me (because that is her nature, though I never really saw it, she knew it was there.) 10 days of caring for her, delving into things in the physical that I literally gag at, and overcoming to be the rock she needs right now. A whole new course in life as it were. No opening the door and letting her out (into the fenced area, 1/2 an acre or so.) No walking out the front door with her with no leash.
Seems the cleaning of wounds leads to examining things hidden deep within. And in the physical, cleaning up too. Sorting through papers left in piles, filing, storing and throwing away trash. Separating things long unused to donate from things that should be used. Delving deep into closets, drawers and all the similar spaces of the heart. Prone to tears, and gut level laughter. Listening to music, instead of the TV on. Eating broccoli and spinach and miso soup. Some kind of deep healing going on, mine, hers, ours.
I have not ventured into the studio, been writing, in one or two or three of the many journals I've discovered I've been keeping over the years. Start one, stop. Start another. Stop. Kind of like I do with this blog. Start. Stop. Start......hmm. Share, hide, share, hide. Patterns that weave through my life.
Looking into everything around and within. Sort of as if seeing it for the first time. What happened to those years? What did I do with that?
I rather feel as though I was sleepwalking for a while. Like I woke up recently and found everything in disarray..but just as I left it. Crazy talk? Maybe. I'm still digging out, though I actually thought, earlier this year, that I was done. Not. Everywhere I look, inside and out there is another space to explore and clean. It's not my favorite thing in life, and clearly, have avoided it in the past. Even now, I open a door (physical or not) and say, "um, maybe tomorrow". Sometimes I seem to face a wall of inertia, on multiple levels. Sometimes I want to turn and walk away, but I know that is not within me.
Grace is sleeping beside me. It's snowing like it means it, outside. The wind blowing makes the trees appear to dance. It is nearly a black and white moving photo outside.
I know the sun will shine tomorrow. I will continue on this path, learning and listening more. Slowing down and getting back to what I'm made for. What is that? While I know it deep within, I'm learning better how to express it. Not like I have before. Live, love, give. I've not been very good with the love part. Who can teach it better than a dog?
Labels: Angel Fire Artist, bear, cleaning up, dogs