This morning as I was making coffee, emptying the dishwasher and tidying the kitchen, husband says, "You haven't said a word...are you ok?" I answered "yes. didn't realize I was being quiet". After all, there was not a quiet place in me. My heavy heart, still questioning, and many thoughts racing through my head. I was thinking about Rebecca, about how she impacted so many in such a positive way. Trying to understand. She told me months ago, that she would die, that the fighting was over and the living was the focus. The power of that eluded me then. Now it has smacked me in the face and I am taking a hard look inside.

She was a little more than 8 months younger than my younger sister, my "middlest" sister..also named Rebeka.

I see clearly how Rebecca's life intersected with mine. I just wonder if I blessed her as she did me. I'm ashamed at my selfishness and reluctance to embrace, at my tendency to not let even those I love get too near, some unknown and irrational fear holding me back. I've known this about myself for a long time and right now it is glaringly clear. May this public confession somehow unlock some of the hidden places.

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